Word Designer

1. The cuddly, snuggly, just had a good sleep, cold sheet feeling.
2. Stretching
3. Just out of the oven chocolate chip cookies
4. Elephants, smelly, smelly elephants.
5. Swedish fish in medium quantities.
6. Car driving, singing loud.
7. The feeling you get after running 3 miles
8. Cheerios, bananas and milk
9. Bagels & cream cheese with Tomatoes
10. Food and eating in general
11. Moroccan food and persian.
12. Friends, the real life version.
13. Ok, I like Friends the TV version too.
14. My friends that I like, together under one roof.
15. “Are Papa and Fredick going to push the car all the way to Switzerland?” -Gretel, the Sound of Music.
16. Original 90210 and Saved by the Bell (NOT Miss Bliss years).
17. When TV shows or Books have a meaning and make a difference to you
18. Love.
19. Deep bear hugs.
20. Pelicans.
21. The words Stoli, Anthropology and fruitcake.
22. The memory that the word “transportation” used to be my favorite word because I could spell it better than anyone in second grade; so I went around spelling it all the time until I realized it wasn’t that hard of a word in 4th grade.
23. The fact that one day my parents’ frustrating habits are going to be funny to me (When I move out, this can be funny: my dad goes into the living room early in the morning to blow his nose as hard and as loud as possible, effortlessly waking me up).
24. Songs with memories attached to their tune.
25. Really good red wine, coupled with spaghetti.
26. Suprises.
27. The feeling of someone who doesn’t normally sing, sings when they are with you.
28. The feeling of teaching somebody something.
29. Walking around in NJ, less then 20 minutes away from the city, thinking “Hey, I’m in a different state!”
30. Night before going on vacation.
31. The sound of silence yielded by ocean waves crashing.
32. “The world is your oyster.”
33. Catching fish.
34. Mountain views:tropical and snow capped, and regular tree-filled ones in the Adirondacks.
35. Ocean water so clear, you can see your feet in the sand and you feel like your lying in slightly cool liquid air.
36. Tropical warmth.
37. Sunrises.
38. Pink sunsets.
39. Sitting on a rock overlooking water.
40. Lying in the sand and making silly conversation.
41. Flip flop.
42. A good arguement.
43. [Unfortunately] buying shoes.
44. Jeans.
45. Making myself laugh.
46. Wineries.
47. College memories.
48. Family.
49. Mightnight blue.

What am I doing with my life here?  I feel like I am wasting space going to work, going to the gym, returning things, sleeping and eating.  OK to so I feel alive when I work a really angry client down to a happy client but all the other BS sucks. And I am stuck in the rut in the world of studying. Do I continue? Do I want to continue? Do I just suck it up and do it even if I am not sure. But there are so many other thngs that I want to do that take up all the time. And the books are so heavy, my shoulders are killing me.

And I don’t want to make copies of my books and take the copies with me. There is so much to read, I feel like I will be at the copy machine forever. And why are my friends so behind me and so encouraging to me to keep working at it?  Maybe because they think its what I want to do and if they lean just a little to saying “well, if you don’t want to do it…” that I will give up. They’re probably right. But why do they have to be so supportive? For this one thing?

I guess I just want to give up. Its easier.  The only thing I know for sure I want to do is write. And that too is annoying and very quitable. But not permanently. Whenever I get pissed off at it, or want to not write for a while, I always come back.  Even if I write crap, its something I feel good about doing.

So why can’t I write structurally? Why can’t I write articles and mail them to newspapers? Because I am shy? Because I am afraid of success?  NO! I am lazy.  LAZY. And I keep thinking that, its my job that is in the way, preventing me from doing this.  NO!  I am lazy.

And laziness is annoying.  I am telling myself that.  And laziness, for me, is ironic.  Why? Because this year, more than ever I have accomplished (and I deserve that word) things that I never thought I could. I have succeeded at anything that I decided I would do.  Need an example. I took a financial exam. A hard one. One that you have the ability to take three times because its so easy to fail. One that I took amoungst those who have financial backround.  With a non-financial mind, and a education in things like philosophy and law, I studied to comprehend these concepts and facts that I never even imagined beforehand and Passed! And did really well too!

And then I ran that race 2 weeks ago. And ran the entire 3 miles.  Extra special, because I can remember in Junior High when you had to run 4 laps around the school, and all 3 years there I could only make the one, barely.  And in training, it hurt so bad to get to the 2 mile mark. But I did 3 miles. I did it.  I can be proud.

So why can’t I do this? Anything big? Make a decision and be happy with my life?  Maybe I can.  Maybe this is a pep talk to myself in disguise.  Maybe I should stop being angry at myself and stop being lazy and do something?

Maybe I will.

My parents have run out of things to say.  Why do I say that?  Because I am sure of it.  This morning, the first thing my dad said to my mom, “It’s suppose to rain this afternoon.This is sort of funny yes. First thing he said.  But just so you know, this is old news. To both my mom and I.  One, because my mom told me last night. And two because my dad told me last night.  “Take your umbrella.”  And I know; I can feel it; my dad is going to tell me again when he sees me this morning.  I feel like announcing that I am awake and testing to see who says it first.

This is exciting. An experiment.  Be right back.

OK, a funny result.  Negative. And yet positive.   No “take your umbrella.” But, “you’re going to be home for dinner, right?” came from my mom.  Another favorite repeat phrase/question. (Which of course she asked last night at 10:35pm, and which of course my dad is going to ask as I am leaving for work.)

So the moral of this story is: 1) only drive your children crazy if you want them to move soon, and 2) take your umbrella.

Millions of people around me. Swarming in white and pink. People with signs safety pinned to their backs “In memory of…” and “in celebration of…” Pink numbers for survivors, white for supporters.

Stretching and ready. Pulled my friends to the running section. Stood in the back, right before the walkers. A little old lady told me she would run the whole race, but we would pass her. She was sure of it. But so ready, so cute, I wanted to hug her.

Voices talking about the times for take off. About the weather. Announcing a singer with a beautiful voice. The air is so clear, so crisp, the sky so blue as I hear the national anthem massaging my ears. I should be tired from not sleeping, but that is the last thing on my mind.

Shots to start the race. No movement yet. Then shots to start the men and women to run. Everyone wants to start out running. You see everyone bouncing on their toes trying to move forward. A collective chuckle and slow down when everyone realizes we cannot go anywhere yet. Eventually we get to move, and as I pass the start line, I see the clock at 4:52.

And we run. We run up Central Park West. We run pass the bandstand playing Melissa Etheridge.

“I run to hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife.
I run for you and me, my friend. I run for life.”

We run along with pink ladies on motorcycles honking their horn. Celebration of life, make as much noise as possible.

Music, horns, people everywhere I look. I run over sewer covers, I run over horse messes, over bumps in the sidewalk, and around the bend into the park. My side hurts and my stomach is cramping. My friends tell me to tighen my abs and I can do it. They hurt too.

People are cheering us on. At the one mile marker, cheerleaders scream for us that we can do it. A mommy and her toddler stand quietly waving at the runners.

There is never a sign for the second mile. Must have missed it. Must keep running. Ankles hurting so bad, they feel like they might split in half. Cramp is side stiffening. One of my friends slows down to a walk. Have to keep running. Now I am running for my friend’s parents who are survivors. And women. Running for any woman. I stop running for myself and push push push. And I know I can make it.

I see three mile marker, and I don’t believe it. And then I hear “Go Rachel!” And I turn around; its my brother and Sara. I wave and keep running, faster and faster to reach the finish line. 40 minutes.

Exhausted, elated. Breathing deep. And red cheeks. I feel warmth on my cheeks and my heart pumping fast. Keep walking. Take a bottle of flavored water and drink until there is no more. Take a second bottle.

I did it. I ran.

****

Festivities and celebrations. Free cereal and sun chips. Charity and giving. Pickup any freebees, even if it is cheese or pink bunny ears. Survivors are getting recognized.  And encouraging support to find a cure.  For Life. For cures! And money! So much money raised today.Singing of celebration and dancing for joy. Maybe it will be enough.

Today is a sleep on the subway kind of day. Intention to study, eyes ignore and droop.  When a Tuesday is a Monday, it serves the same purpose. The bad day of the week.  The one that you don’t really have a reason, but you just don’t feel like going to work.

Ok, that’s unfair to blame Tuesday. All days are like that! It’s called work, what else is it supposed to be like.  Unless work is the circus.  Or work is FAO Schwartz in the Lego section.  Or, I think I would like painting walls. Not graffiti, just painting a whole wall.  And unscented paint, so I wouldn’t have to smell the gross paint smell. Wait, even better! My job could be to watch movies and make sure they were entertaining enough to submit to the public.  I would look forward to Mondays.  “Oh yeah, tomorrow I have to watch a documentary on Fish Oils. That’s so not making it to theaters.”

I wonder if they have that kind of job on Monster? Too bad I can’t call them and ask. How else do I search for movie watcher? Well, I just checked. They only have somethng with that title in Tulula, Oklahoma. For NYC, you get the Monday jobs: Sales Professional, Coordinator, Associate. How could they get that from “Movie Watcher.”

I hear you can be a professional blog writer.  But when you search for that, you get all these terrible options for Medical or Financial writer.  Or associate software engineer!

Anyway, I have to stop looking for jobs now, it is going to make me late for work. Goodday and goodbye.