I’d like control over a good day vs a bad day. I find that when I decide on the day of that it will be a good day, it usually ends up being so. Why don’t I wake up thinking this every day? And would it always work if I did?
Today didn’t start out as a good one. I woke up and the maintenance people came. And we made a plan that I’d leave my bottom lock open when I left for work. So they left and would come back later. I left and locked up. Got into the subway and onto a train. One stop away, I was like Oh crap! I didn’t leave it unlocked! I got off, walked home in tears (not really sure why). Went into my apartment, ready to burst (I definitly locked it all up) and had a moment. A “this day isn’t going to be very good” moment. Sniffled. Left, locked only the bottom lock and restarted my journey to work. And I was ready to cry all day.
Tuesday, tax tuesday, on the other hand will be a significantly better day. Seven minutes into the new day, I can decide. Good night and good day.
I’ve never been handicapped before. Except for when I joke and say I’m crippled by the shoes I’m wearing. And I used to think losing your voice was cool. A little sexy.
But as of yesterday, I realize how much I took for granted. The conversation, the singing in the shower, the “yes, I would like fries with that,” the “do you have any lemons”? I miss it all. I have so much to say, but I can’t say it!! It comes out as a poor little squeak. Like the joking yelling sounds when you immitate a stadium or concert. I am a hoarse.
Last evening I went to dinner with three of my friends. They all know me quite well enough in their own individual ways that someone had to understand me. But the charade loses its fun after a while. Its all fun and games until someone loses their voice.
Anyway, back to my handicap. I have done everything since I woke up this morning to change this blog title to “Stella got her voice back” But it didn’t work. I drank tea. I drank tea with honey. I drank tea with 2 spoonfuls of raspberry preserves and a slice of lemon that I let float, I gargled (or as my mom liked to type “I googled”) with salt water, I took a nap, I had vitamin C, cough medicine, cough drops, sudafed, hot shower and steamed, steamed, drank water, oj (peed until the fluid came out of my ears) . Its just not there!!!
Does this mean I get the handicap special seating on the busses and trains? No! Because I can’t ask for it!!
I feel like Rose from the titanic - come back. Come back. come backkkk.
